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Super Smash Fashion Battles

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Super Smash Fashion Battles

I try to live everyday like I’m a kid (I am a kid). Life is more fun that way.  You have to do silly things every now and then.  A lot of people forget to do that as they get older.  As a kid, you don’t care about embarrassing yourself as much as when you get older.  Adults don’t want to seem goofy or something.

Another thing adults forget to do is play games.  I don’t really care if I come off as goofy and I love games, so I made this little tournament inspired by fashion.

We’ve all been there:  the start screen of Super Smash Bros. Melee for GameCube.  The OG game of all games, Super Smash Bros. is a classic that many college students still play today.  My brothers and I always fight over who is the better player, the best characters, and who has the best moves (“STATISTICALLY speaking, Fox is the best player in the game!”).  But we never really fight over who has the best style.

That’s what I’m going to do.  And in the spirit of March Madness (although it is June), I’ve created a bracket for the characters in four different regions to start and another play in region.

Disclaimers:

I set up the bracket.  It was done in no random order.  The top seeds are some of my favorite characters to play as, or the ones I deemed fun to play as.  This wasn’t entirely just done by style, but it had an impact.

Also, the numbers don’t add up in my favor so the regions end up getting combined after the first round.  I renamed the regions after I went through the first round, as well as reseeding characters.  This continued to happen until the championship game.

The play in bracket was set-up based on the amount of clothes being worn by the characters.  Also, they’re all Pokemon.

Lastly, before I get started, this is entirely done subjectively.  So without further adieu, here is the best fashion from Super Smash Bros. Melee.

PLAY IN ROUND:

The Pokemon Stadium Region

Jigglypuff vs. Pikachu

What happens when a character beloved by all of Japan and a character loathed by many meet in a fashion battle?  It’s hard not to be biased, that’s what happens.  Jigglypuff has the hair, but nothing more.  Pikachu isn’t doing much more with his outfit.  If this were a Pokemon battle, Jigglypuff might have the extra hand by putting Pikachu to sleep.  But instead, Jigglypuff puts us to sleep with its fashion-sense.

Advances: Pikachu

Mewtwo vs. Pichu

This match up is just as boring as the last.  Mewtwo doesn’t have much going on, except a tail that covers up his lower parts. Pichu has a little more going on than Pikachu though: a bowtie. Mewtwo just doesn’t have that.  If this were Mew it might be more about cuteness, but it’s not.  It’s about fashion.  Look at that bowtie!

Advances: Pichu

ROUND 1:

The Mushroom Kingdom Region

1. Fox vs. 6. Pikachu

This one is a blood bath.  Pikachu just barely got by Jigglypuff.  Jigglypuff doesn’t have any clothes.  First off, Fox has so much style it hurts.  Let’s start with the jacket.  The first rule in most movies is to look cool you have to have a cool jacket.  Look at Han Solo in Star Wars. Star Lord in Guardians of the Galaxy.  Fox has a cool jacket.  Next, Fox has those Marty-McFly-future-Nike-shoes shoes on.  You know what, it’s over before it started.

Advances: 1. Fox

2. Dr. Mario vs. 5. Luigi

We all wanted the Mario vs. Luigi in the first round, but instead we get Luigi going head-to-head with the doctor version.  Honestly, the overalls are no match for the lab coat.  Insert pun about Dr. Mario not being able to save Luigi’s outfit.

Advances: 2. Dr. Mario

3. Link vs. 4. Young Link

There comes a day in every father’s life when your son decides to challenge you. Peter Quill vs. Ego.  Darth Vader vs. Luke. The list goes on and on.  Although Young Link isn’t exactly Link’s son, we’re just going to pretend.  They both essentially have the same outfit, but Link has a cooler shield.  Both are wearing a dress, but Young Link lacks leggings like Link.  Link’s lettuce looks a tad bit better too, so we’ll give Link the win on this one.

Advances: 3. Link

The Corneria Region

1. Samus vs.6. Pichu

That bowtie on Pichu has nothing on Samus.  Samus has a fucking spacesuit on.  This one was a no contest. If a celebrity walked into the Oscars wearing a spacesuit and another was wearing a bowtie, the media would talk about the spacesuit way more the next day.  Samus wins this one in blowout fashion (fashion, get it?).

Advances: 1. Samus

2. Mario vs. 5. Donkey Kong

Mario gets the second seed with the classic red hat/blue overalls look.  Donkey Kong is the underdog because he’s just wearing a necktie.  Mario puts a beat down on Donkey Kong for most of the match, but like in Semi Pro where Jackie Moon “invents” the alley-oop, Donkey Kong’s custom “DK” necktie saves the day.  Donkey Kong upsets Mario in a stunning turn of events and moves on to the next round.

Advances: 5. Donkey Kong

3. Captain Falcon vs. 4. Ness

Come on, Ness looks like his mom dressed him up for his first day of first grade (probably did).  Captain Falcon looks like a superhero.  Captain Falcon in four.

Advances: 3. Captain Falcon

The Brinstar Region

1. Marth vs. 6. Kirby

First off, Kirby has too much make-up on and wears knock off red Air Force 1’s.  Marth has that Game of Thrones/Jon Snow vibe though.  Me being a Game of Thrones guy and an even bigger Jon Snow guy, Marth moves on unscathed.

Advances: 1. Marth

2. Yoshi vs. 5. Ganondorf

Much like Marth, Ganondorf also has that Game of Thrones look, but like a Ned-Stark-turned-White-Walker-without-the-blue-eyes look.  Yoshi has some swagger with the Tims and a red shell flattened to work as a saddle.  I’m going to give this one to Yoshi.  Ganondorf has been beheaded (spoiler alert?)

Advances: 2. Yoshi

3. Bowser vs. 4. Mr. Game & Watch

Mr. Game & Watch wears the black onesie well, but Bowser invented the choker.  Bowser defeats Mr. Game & Watch with the buzzer beater.

Advances: 3. Bowser

The Fountain of Dreams Region

1. Zelda vs. 6. Sheik

If everyone that has played the game remembers correctly, Zelda and Sheik are essentially the same character.  And the fact that Zelda can wardrobe change with the touch of a button, this is a match where the same person is playing the same person.  Zelda and Sheik both essentially move on, but we’ll give Sheik the upset and the better chance of winning it all (especially because Zelda and Peach have essentially the same outfit).

Advances: 6. Sheik

2. Peach vs. 5. Ice Climbers

There’s two Ice Climbers bundled up in coats and I don’t like their colors.  Peach has a real crown and that goes a long way in the jewelry department.  Ice Climbers just couldn’t get over the mountain.

Advances: 2. Peach

3. Roy vs. 4. Falco

Roy is Marth’s brother (really a clone of Marth to be honest, but for the sake of this game he will be the Robb Stark to Marth’s Jon Snow).  Falco’s got an even cooler jacket than Fox.  As we’ve seen, it takes a cool jacket to achieve greatness.  It’s the Red Wedding fate for Roy, Falco flips the collar of his jacket and kicks it into hyperspace.

Advances: 4. Falco

ROUND 2:

The Green Greens Region:

1. Samus vs. 6. Donkey Kong

My first instinct is to allow Donkey Kong to upset Samus.  But then I look at that fucking spacesuit!  How can anyone defeat Samus? I just don’t see it possible.

Advances: 1. Samus

2. Fox vs. 5. Captain Falcon

The most classic match up we’ve seen.  Magic versus Bird.  Super jacket versus superhero outfit.  This is a clash of two heavy hitters.  Fox is the better character and has spy gloves.  Captain Falcon has what appears to be a knock off Captain America helmet on.  This was a close battle, but Fox wins it in overtime.

Advances: 2. Fox

3. Dr. Mario vs. 4. Link

I’m going to be honest, I really don’t like either one of these character’s outfits.  I do however, like Link more than Dr. Mario.  Link just has better flow at this point, his most redeeming quality.  That’ll take him farther than it should to be honest.

Advances: 4. Link

The Venom Region:

1. Marth vs. 6. Sheik

The Starks faced a lot of adversity on Game of Thrones, much like Marth has been facing adversity.  Sheik can change outfits in an instant.  Zelda/Sheik also looks like Cersei Lannister.  I hate Cersei.  I love the Starks.  I love Marth.  Are there too many Game of Thrones references?

Advances: 1. Marth

2. Yoshi vs. 5. Falco

Yoshi and Tims.  Falco and a sweet jacket.  Falco also has a nice pair of khakis reminiscent of Jim Harbaugh and a cool set of futuristic boots.  Yoshi’s Tims just aren’t enough to defend his honor.

Advances: 5. Falco

3. Peach vs. 4. Bowser

Peach has that princess look.  Bowser has that dungeon/fake wig look.  I originally had Bowser upsetting Peach, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.  It’s no secret that I think Michael Jackson is one of the greatest musicians of all time, and Peach has the MJ gloves.

Advances: 3. Peach

ROUND 3:

The Great Bay Region

1. Samus vs. 6. Falco

Samus’s spacesuit seems unstoppable.  After putting a dominating Falco and putting up two goals, Samus starts playing defense.  Falco puts the pressure on with his overall Star Wars look and comes back to tie it up.  After three overtimes, the spacesuit just doesn’t have the gas anymore and Falco finishes it.  Upset of the century.

Advances: 6. Falco

2. Marth vs. 5. Link

I think everyone is surprised that Link has made it this far, but that’s the luck you get when you start out where you started.  It’s like in NASCAR: if you start out in the upper middle of the pack and don’t finish well, you fucked up.  Link’s luck has lapsed.

Advances: 2. Marth

3. Fox vs. 4. Peach

Peach made it way past her potential, just like Link.  Fox’s jacket has too much Han swagger.  Princess Leia didn’t have to wear a dress, Peach.  Get with the program.

Advances: Fox

CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND: 

The Congo Jungle N64 Region:

Marth vs. Fox vs. Falco

Seeing that there are three characters left, we have a Big Brother type playoff in this round.

Statistically speaking, Fox deserves to be here.  Marth is my favorite character to play as not going to lie, but come on.  Look at him he deserves to be here.  Falco is the biggest surprise since the Celtics stealing one game from the Cavs in the 2017 Eastern Conference Championship series.  He also looks like a knock off Fox.

Because Fox and Falco have the same look though, they battle it out and Falco knocks Fox off in a stunning turn of events, but Marth is well rested from watching and easily wins the championship belt.

Congratulations to Marth on being the first ever Most Fashionable character!

 

Jeremiah Ordos

Lifestyle Blogger
Facebook: Jeremiah Ordos

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