As she stared into the distance, I stared at her.

In her eyes was a picture of the life I left behind.

She mapped out a world only I knew—a sacred land of my own.

A treasure buried deep within my self-conscious—discovered.

A life I managed to submerge was returning to the surface.

Secrets I hid somewhere only I could find them—found.

Reality was approaching me face-to-face and I had nowhere to run.

“Do you think you don’t deserve to be happy?”

- Reality

Yes.

I couldn't tell you a good reason as to why I believe my happiness is not deserved because I myself, do not know. The life she saw and the life I am living are one in the same, but that's not what I see. I used to see an innocent girl whose happiness was found through adventure, exploration, and not knowing what was next. Now I see a woman whose world was flipped up-side-down, heart was shattered, and self-concept was lost. These two versions of me are still just that—me. So why can't I get back to the level of happiness the little girl felt? Why does this woman feel as though happiness is forbidden to her?

It's not.

So why do I think I don't deserve to be happy?

I don't think it's because I feel as if I don't deserve it. I think it's because the feeling of happiness is terrifying. The fear of losing that feeling. The fear of finding my "who" and "why" and losing that again. The fear. That's it.

I'm in a constant battle against it.

I do deserve to be happy, but once I am will it stay that way?

I don't know. But the thought of never feeling that happiness hurts more than the fear of losing it. I just want to be happy. Well... wake up!

This nightmare you have created your life to be is over. It's far from over—it never existed. It only existed because you believed it did.

Believe in this.

This moment.

This life.

This you.

Don't believe in anything else.

***

She looked at me and asked, "do you think you don't deserve to be happy?"

No. I don't believe that.

I believe that everything is as it should be.

I believe that life is all about the journey and never about the destination.

I believe that the past doesn't define me and my future does not exist.

I believe in this moment and I believe I will be happy.

I owe it to myself to be happy.

That's my new reality.

Natalia Piferrer